Dear She Knows Best,
I’m reaching out in the hope that sharing my story will help me find some clarity. It’s hard to put everything into words, but I feel like I’m drowning under the weight and shame of my choices, and I need advice. I feel like an awful woman already so please go easy on me.
For years, my marriage has felt like a prison. My husband is controlling and emotionally abusive. He often belittles my opinions and needs, and I’ve spent too long feeling like I’m not enough. I’ve tried to communicate with him about how his behaviour affects me, but every time I bring it up, it always ends in a fight. He dismisses my feelings, and I’m left feeling even more isolated. It’s as if I’m constantly walking on eggshells, fearing that even the slightest comment might set him off.
About six months ago, I met someone at a mutual friend’s gathering—a man who has been nothing but kind and understanding. He listened to me as I shared my struggles, and for the first time in a long while, I felt heard and valued. As we spent more time together, I found myself drawn to his gentleness and warmth. I never intended to cheat; it just happened when I was feeling so vulnerable and desperate for connection.
One night, I had an extremely heated argument with my husband which ended in him slapping and punching me. I was desperate and broken so I reached out to the man, and we crossed a line. It was a moment of weakness, but it also felt like an escape from the pain I was enduring in my marriage. In the days that followed, I was totally consumed by guilt and shame, but I also felt a sense of relief that I hadn’t felt in years.
Now, I know I need to end my marriage. I can’t keep living this lie, and I can’t continue to hurt the person I’ve betrayed. However, I’m terrified of how my husband will react—not just to the infidelity, but to the news that I want to leave him. His controlling nature makes me fear for my safety; I’ve seen how he can turn angry and volatile, and I don’t want to provoke that.
How do I find the courage to tell him the truth without fearing for my safety? How can I prepare for his reaction?
I never wanted to hurt anyone, and I’m so ashamed of my actions. But I realise that I can’t stay in a situation that is damaging to my soul. I just want to find a way to move forward without causing more pain, especially to the person I betrayed. If anyone has experienced something similar or has advice on how to approach this situation, I would be incredibly grateful.
Thank you for reading. I am ashamed to my core by my actions, please know this before commenting hurtful things.
@freedomknowsbest
Hi there sister, Firstly thank you for being so honest with us all. it’s not easy to admit fault. and it’s not easy to admit your own wrong doings. There is no shame in admitting your marriage was long, difficult and hard. Speaking from my own experience, ending a marriage is painful and complex and it requires honesty, empathy, and self-reflection from both of you. Acknowledge the hurt you’ve caused, take full responsibility for your actions, and be prepared for his emotional response but also ensure that it is somewhere public where you know others can hear and see you both. Im sure it may be easier for you to totally avoid confrontation but I know from when I left my husband of 25 years that honesty is crucial, both for your own healing and for allowing him to process the situation. For me, ending the marriage with dignity and respect helped both of us move forward with clarity and closure. I hope it does the same for you x
Hello dear, I admire your bravery. you wrote that like you were scared to share your story and I want you to know, that although many women wont agree with your actions, I think it must have taken SO SO much courage to write it and share it with us ALL. I am so sorry you had to endure all that you have, I send you love and blessings, the next chapter is not easy but you can do it and I am sending you all my love and prayers xx
my dear, I love your name @freedomknowsbest. You will get your freedom but only you can path the way. I would say that if you’re feeling afraid that your husband may react violently, your safety is the most important priority. Before you talk to him, consider reaching out to a friend or family member for support. You may want to plan for a safe space to have the conversation I would suggest somewhere public or where you’re not alone with him. I know you have said that he can be violent, it might also be helpful to contact a domestic abuse hotline, if you are based in the states there are lots available online. Honesty is important and I understand you want to be honest with him but sis your wellbeing must and should come FIRST. you are so brave and you will get your freedom x