Dear SKB,
I am 68 and still have a hard time making friends. I feel as though I have many aquaintances, but not friends. As a back story, as a child I grew up in a single “mom” household. My dad was an alcoholic and they were divorced when I was 8. Friendship was elusive to me , but I had a few friends as I got older.
I was widowed at age 32 and friends we had a a couple, kinda disappeared. I have now been with someone for over 20 years, but he does not need the social interaction that I need. I have joined clubs which I enjoy and do get together at “events”, but seem to never be asked to do something outside of these events. People in these clubs tell me how much they like me, yet I always feel like I am looking in the window and can’t get in. I am currently in a great neighborhood with many friendly women/couples. I have joined the book club here and monthly lunch. Several of the women live on the same street, a cul de sac, and my partner and I are on the “main” street. These women seem to be in touch with each other daily, get together, etc. so again, I feel like I am left out of the group.
I feel unlikeable and constantly ask myself what is wrong with me. So, I guess I just feel lonely and not sure how to make friends. Silly at my age, but I just want a friend, Thank you
@kbearknowsbest
Hi kbearknowsbest,
I’m not 68 yet but I’ve felt that exact same feeling of being surrounded by people, yet still somehow feeling left out. It’s not silly at all for wanting meaningful connection, that is a basic human need, no matter how old we are! One thing that’s helped me is shifting my focus from “being included” to creating tiny moments of connection with others myself. Like inviting one person for a walk or a coffee even if it feels super awkward at first. And yes, not everyone will say yes but someone will and that’s all it takes to start building something new. Sis please don’t forget that being likeable and being included are not the same thing. You are likeable AND brave AND worthy of the kind of friendship that feels easy and natural. We are all with you xx
Thank you so much for your meaningful and insightful words and advice! I will give your idea a try. I am so glad I found this site and that it is filled with wonderful people like you! XXX
Aww kbearknowsbest, your post made me cry. I can relate with you, Im 37 and I really feel that as you get older you get choosier about who you want in your life which is a good thing. We are all in the same boat, so many of us use SKB because we have nobody else. The fact that you are reaching out for ideas and are willing to put yourself out there is wonderful. I send you all my love x
Thank you for taking the time to reply, it means the world to me to know someone is out there. I will keep trying and give updates of my progress :). So appreciate you and others with SKB.
Hello sister, I combat my loneliness by going out of my way to do something for someone else. It gets me out of my own head for a minute and makes me appreciate the people around me. Skip the drive through and walk into the coffee shop instead. Find one thing about the barista or waiter that’s cool (tattoo, art work, clothing, whatever) and ask them about it. Wish them a good day. Just climb out of your own feelings for a minute or two and it will make all the difference. You might just brighten up their day, and in turn they can pass that onto someone else. You aren’t alone, so many of us feel like this and are trying to just survive day to day. x
Hello sister: what great comments and ideas you gave me. I know that many of us suffer loneliness and to brighten someone else’s day would make me feel good and it is something I strive to do. we all could use a smile and a kind word. Thank you 🙂
Kbearknowsbest – thank you for being so so honest with us. I saw Sam the founder of SKB speaking about this post on instagram and I thought that one day this could my own mother writing on SKB, and I couldn’t sit here in the office and do nothing. I am so sorry that life has been tough and that now at 68, you are feeling this way. I want to hug you through the screen. I wanted to say please dont give up, you are worthy of friendship. I have seen this website https://www.meetup.com/ and it’s a good place to make new hobbies and find niche groups. Take a look and let us know how you get on. x
Thank you for taking the time to respond and for your kind words. I can feel your hug 🙂 I won’t give up and so appreciate your support as well as the rest of the SKB community.
Good afternoon, as a person who grew up without many social relationships like yourself, I feel that there comes a point where you get used to it. I’ve been alone for a long time of my life (im 52), now I find it uncomfortable to be in social situations. How do you find it being in new social situations? Do you feel like you have things to talk about with others? I find it’s nice to speak to people on the internet which is why I love SKB x
Hi: I agree that there were many years when I figured this was it for me in terms of friendship, but then I realized that I wanted to change that. I get a bit scared walking into social situations, but am glad I step outside my comfort zone and try. I have met some wonderful women doing this and do enjoy some of the activities whether it is cards, a group lunch, etc. I hope to someday turn these activities into finding a good friend. Thank you for commenting and your support.
Hi kbearknowsbest
I read your post and felt this could be any one of us at any point in our lives.
I’m sorry that in this age of constant communication you are feeling this way.
I would also like to suggest just as another sister has done for you to make the first move with some of these ladies and maybe ask them to join you for a coffee or lunch?
Sometimes it can feel uncomfortable to do this but you may be surprised that others may also feel the same as you and welcome an invitation from you.
It could just be that one time and one acquaintance that gives you a friend for life.
I experienced this at a time in my life when I was very sad and unknown to me, it showed on my face everyday.
Until one very special colleague who is now my oldest friend from over 30 years approached me and we have been friends, or as we now say, sisters ever since!
Thank you for sharing your story. I did follow the great advice of you and the other “sisters” and invited 2 women for lunch and to teach them a card game. They are good friends with each other and I am hoping to become a friend with both. Fingers crossed 🤞 ☺