Dear She Knows Best Community,
I never imagined I’d find myself here, pouring my heart out to all of you kind strangers, but to be honest I feel totally lost and desperate for some sort of guidance. I cannot talk to my family and friends about this anymore because their advice is “get him help” or “leave him”. To give you all some context, My husband and I have been together for over a decade. He is so kind, hilariously funny and has always been my rock through thick and thin. But for the past few years, his relationship with alcohol has become a huge dark shadow over our daily lives.
When it began, it was just the occasional drink, a way to unwind after a long day with colleagues in Canary Wharf. But now lately, it has escalated into something I just can’t ignore. I know he hates his job, his friends and often insists about having a “mid life crisis”. He often drinks to the point of oblivion, and it’s tearing me apart. I’ve watched him change from the man I fell in love with into someone I barely recognize—someone who struggles to get out of bed most weekends and faces the world with a bottle and dutch courage.
I’ve tried talking to him, sharing my concerns, but he brushes them off and insists he’s fine. I’m scared. I love him deeply, but I can’t keep watching him kill himself like this. I feel like I’m standing by watching him drink himself to death, helpless as he continues down this dangerous path.
If I am honest with you all, I am torn between wanting to support him and knowing I have to protect myself. Do I confront him more forcefully and threaten walking away from our relationship? Or do I step back and wait for him to realize he needs help? I’m afraid of losing him, but I also can’t ignore the toll this is taking on my heart and our life, our future together.
If anyone has been in this position, I would be so so grateful for your advice or even just your thoughts. How do you deal with a situation like this?
With hope and heartache,
@sadwifeknowsbest
Hi @sadwifeknowsbest,
First, I just want to say that I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It takes a lot of courage to share your story, and it’s clear how deeply you love and care for your husband. I can only imagine how painful and heartbreaking it must be to watch someone you love go through such a difficult struggle with alcohol.
It’s completely understandable that you feel torn between supporting him and protecting yourself. This kind of situation is incredibly complex, and no one can tell you exactly what to do. But your feelings matter too, and it’s important that you look after your own well-being in the process.
When it comes to getting him help, the sad reality is that you can’t force someone to change if they’re not ready. You can encourage and support him, but ultimately, he has to make the decision to seek help. That said, sometimes setting boundaries or having a serious conversation about how his drinking is affecting your relationship can be a wake-up call. If you haven’t already, maybe there’s a way to approach it from a place of love and concern, while also making it clear how much this is impacting you both.
There are also support groups that help people who are dealing with loved ones struggling with alcohol addiction. It might be helpful to connect with others who understand what you’re going through.
Whatever you decide, please remember to take care of yourself too. You deserve to feel supported, healthy, and at peace, and no matter what happens, you’re not alone.
Sending you lots of strength and positive thoughts during this difficult time. x
Mascaraknowsbest
dear @sadwifeknowsbest, If your husband is struggling with alcohol abuse, it’s really important to take care of yourself while trying to support him. Addiction is complicated, and it’s not something he can just snap out of—it often needs professional help. Encourage him to seek therapy or rehab, if you think he is ready for this? At the same time, don’t feel guilty for looking after your own well-being. You need to take care of yourself too, both emotionally and physically because you can’t help him if you’re drained. Be prepared for setbacks, as recovery isn’t a straight line, and if things get toxic or unsafe, you might have to rethink your situation. You deserve support and care too, and it’s okay to put your own health first when things get tough. xx